au revoir

so it is another riveting thanksgiving evening with the brunet's. it's kind of funny, the way the progression of these things have gone over the years. i don't think they're at all enjoyable unless one is entirely inebriated; i had a feeling such would be the case. i actually found myself pondering the ways in which to obtain alcohol; i needed something strong and something that would tune out my stepmother's reminders of my past mistakes and the family's hushed implied remarks about the disaster that has become my family life. 

i'm a generally happy person these days, but it's times with this much family that reminds me of otherwise.  this is the first time in my life during which i feel like those movies where one needs to be drunk just to be around family. every single great holiday romanticomedy started that way.

i think i'm just ready to start a new life with a new extension of family. i want to be with my boyfriend. i want to have another excuse to not have to fake a smile and deeply breathe back tears. no one notices when i'm no longer sitting at the dining room table. i don't feel comfortable with these people. my boyfriend's family- who i barely know- knows me more than these strangers with whom i have little to nothing in common with.

it's a shame i never obtained that alcohol. this really could have been a pleasant evening...