i can also guarantee that anyone who doesn't have my current phone number- anyone who i have not spoken to personally in the last 6 months- has little to no interest as to who or what i have become. i can and will bet my bottom dollar that no one spends their time googling my name.

and the few that i have held onto see me as such a constant while simultaneously being so insignificant that sometimes, unless boredom and lack of imagination has captured their souls, they forget i'm alive.

leave it to december to highlight the best in people.

it's december 27 and i can wear shorts.

sick.

rock is dead

i must be doing something terribly wrong. 

this is my first christmas bringing someone i love into my family. and i feel like my family is very excited. my family has send emails and texts and made phone calls exhibiting their excitement; i have been bombarded with "what do we get for matt" questions. my thirteen year old brother is so excited that he bought matt a gift with his own money earned by mowing lawns.

my families live 200 miles & 400 miles away. matt's lives 30 miles. 

i have spent months trying to organize the holidays for "us." and what happens? nothing. he rides along in the car with me. he seems to have fun on the trip. but not enough fun to organize some kind of family "get-together" with his family. not once does the love of my life even imply his interest (or his family's interest) to see me during the holidays. 

instead, while at work christmas night, i get tossed a ziploc bag from matt containing the christmas gifts from his mom & dad.

i don't know. i don't know. i've never been so in love with someone that i felt like they deserved my family; i guess no one has ever felt like i deserve theirs.

does it have something to do with the fact that matt has been in a continual string of long-term "in love" relationships? does his family just think i'm another number along the way while my family is constantly telling me "i think matt is a 'keeper'" or hinting at complete excitement at the possibility of a true future.

where am i going wrong? where am i jumping the gun? am i jumping the gun? 

i've never been so self-conscious in a relationship. i find in astonishing that while in the one stable, trustworthy relationship of my life, i find myself more doubtful and inadequate than ever.

i thought love was supposed to be the easy and graceful part.

what comes next? 

i have a feeling life isn't rock beats scissors beats paper beats rock.

sock babies: a french & american literature issue.

top things on my mind right now:

1. i believe i have brought the art of lying to a new level. i have somehow successfully convinced professor sexy-pants (mon professeur de français) to allow me to take our last test (which is scheduled for 11:20) on thursday, despite my absences in the last two class sessions. it's an elegant art, really. 

and, truthfully, i feel genuinely awful about this one. but it's this overwhelming guilt or the burden of letting him down. and, really, what's more important? my conscience being bruised or his self-worth? pre. cisesly.

2. however, in what i believe to be a fit of karma pounding my ass, there's a chance that the red-head nazi known as one mr. michael compton may have the power to FAIL me, due to my lack of submission to this stupid, ludicrous website known as turnitin.com. now, i turned in the hard-copy on time to him. and i didn't purposefully avoid turning it in to this website for fear of getting caught cheating. no. it was out of sheer forgetfulness. (shocking, i know.) if he fails me for this, i will do whatever i can in my li'l bit of power to refute this grade. don't get in my way, compy.

somehow, nicknaming my professors belittles them in my mind to a point of such miniscule authority over me that i do this. i lie, cheat, and steal my way through their classes. even the ones i love. 

3. you know how everyone is always wondering where lost socks go? okay. well. something quite the opposite happened today. something that gives me slight hope in today being a good day. (well this and the fact that i can get out of bed today without wondering how long it'll be before i puke. yesterday was NOT a good day.) 

so, i bought socks the other day. i make this point because this is quite an occasion for me. i rarely purchase socks. i'm a barefooted kind of girl. but i bought socks because i was going to new york for thanksgiving, and i didn't want to have cold feet. so i bought some gray socks, some argyle socks, and one pair of rainbow striped socks.

so, upon returning from said trip, i do some laundry. this morning, i carried all my laundry into my room only to discover that my socks has procreated! (see top of post.)

on a day where socks have babies, what can really go wrong?

au revoir

so it is another riveting thanksgiving evening with the brunet's. it's kind of funny, the way the progression of these things have gone over the years. i don't think they're at all enjoyable unless one is entirely inebriated; i had a feeling such would be the case. i actually found myself pondering the ways in which to obtain alcohol; i needed something strong and something that would tune out my stepmother's reminders of my past mistakes and the family's hushed implied remarks about the disaster that has become my family life. 

i'm a generally happy person these days, but it's times with this much family that reminds me of otherwise.  this is the first time in my life during which i feel like those movies where one needs to be drunk just to be around family. every single great holiday romanticomedy started that way.

i think i'm just ready to start a new life with a new extension of family. i want to be with my boyfriend. i want to have another excuse to not have to fake a smile and deeply breathe back tears. no one notices when i'm no longer sitting at the dining room table. i don't feel comfortable with these people. my boyfriend's family- who i barely know- knows me more than these strangers with whom i have little to nothing in common with.

it's a shame i never obtained that alcohol. this really could have been a pleasant evening...