this is my first christmas bringing someone i love into my family. and i feel like my family is very excited. my family has send emails and texts and made phone calls exhibiting their excitement; i have been bombarded with "what do we get for matt" questions. my thirteen year old brother is so excited that he bought matt a gift with his own money earned by mowing lawns.
my families live 200 miles & 400 miles away. matt's lives 30 miles.
i have spent months trying to organize the holidays for "us." and what happens? nothing. he rides along in the car with me. he seems to have fun on the trip. but not enough fun to organize some kind of family "get-together" with his family. not once does the love of my life even imply his interest (or his family's interest) to see me during the holidays.
instead, while at work christmas night, i get tossed a ziploc bag from matt containing the christmas gifts from his mom & dad.
i don't know. i don't know. i've never been so in love with someone that i felt like they deserved my family; i guess no one has ever felt like i deserve theirs.
does it have something to do with the fact that matt has been in a continual string of long-term "in love" relationships? does his family just think i'm another number along the way while my family is constantly telling me "i think matt is a 'keeper'" or hinting at complete excitement at the possibility of a true future.
where am i going wrong? where am i jumping the gun? am i jumping the gun?
i've never been so self-conscious in a relationship. i find in astonishing that while in the one stable, trustworthy relationship of my life, i find myself more doubtful and inadequate than ever.
i thought love was supposed to be the easy and graceful part.
what comes next?
i have a feeling life isn't rock beats scissors beats paper beats rock.
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